No?
If you thought looking at love under the scientific lens was a bummer, you’re in for a rough ride. Turns out, just as a host of hormones are responsible for your feelings of well-being and pleasure, success in your communication and socialization depends on how adept you are at hacking human psychology. This might sound like a sterile and uninviting concept, but it’s actually a great thing! It means that anyone is capable of improving upon their communication skills to have deeper, more meaningful and more informative connections.
The week’s webinar was about negotiation and nonverbal communication. It was hosted by Shreshth, a magician in Gr 11 who’s been honing his craft for 4 years. In the journey to improve upon his skills of magical deception, he inevitably stumbled across the topics of negotiation and body language techniques. While at first his implementation of these cheat codes was awkward and unnatural, his technique soon improved and brought about amazing results in his magic performances and day-to-day life. In his webinar Shreshth talks about the subcategories of negotiation (tactical empathy, mirroring and labeling, the power of tonality, the power of NO!) and nonverbals (the limbic system, pacifying behaviors, idiosyncratic behaviors, the primary point). If those funky terms in the brackets haven’t already motivated you to do so, grab some note taking material and pay attention! This information is sourced from professors and FBI agents like Chris Voss and Joe Navarro. It may grant you the power of securing deadline extensions for life.
Types of Communication
Before we dive headfirst into the ways of improving our communication, let’s assess how we communicate in the first place. The best representation one can find is by way of the 7/38/55 rule.
The three types of communication are Content, Body Language and Tonality. The Content is the choice of words, what's being said. Body Language is how one present themselves. Their looks, movements, gestures, their posture, and anything else that is visual about them. Tonality is the way we say things, whether our voices are raised, whether we're laughing, crying, etc.
As you can see, a heaping, whopping momentous 55% of our communication is in body language, closely followed by tonality. These statistics explain why the passive aggressive "I'm fine" is absolutely never taken at face value, or at least, is only 7% believed. They also explain why dogs will stare at their owners lovingly if they’re spewing filthy insults, just as long as their words are accompanied with a comforting voice and ear rubs.
Knowing this communicative distribution allows you to better analyze important factors in other people’s behaviors and know what to emphasize when you’re making your own first impressions.
Negotiation
Shreshth points out, we're in a negotiation at least 7 times a day.
Essentially, negotiation occurs whenever the thoughts "I want" or "I need" pop into your head. These negotiations can be inner dialogues ( I want a pomegranate but I've already eaten three today ) or outer dialogues (I need an extension on my math assignment).
Tactical Empathy
There’s a misconception surrounding negotiation. Some believe that it's a fiery showdown, I want, I need, I win. You lose. In reality, that’s not true, or at least not a mindset that will lead to the best results.
"Negotiation is collaboration. It’s using empathy."
Collaboration, a listening ear and deep understanding goes a long way in warming up your “opponent” (this word now becomes too competitive a title) to your side of the argument. You’re a lot more likely to get your way than if you were to assert yourself aggressively and inconsiderately.
Mirroring
Mirroring is what you use when you go into a situation blind. You need information right on the spot and also wouldn't mind making people love your presence while actually not having to reveal any of your own information.
To mirror, you repeat 1-3 words that the person speaking has said. It’s easiest to mirror the last 3 words but with practice you’ll be able to switch up the order. By doing this, you ask them for more in a way that demonstrates you’re listening attentively.
Mirroring can make people feel appreciated and listened to, as the saying goes: Interesting people are interested! But the technique is bound to be awkward at first. Shreshth recommends that you try not to use it in every single one of your replies to avoid robotically parroting the people talking to you.
Ex.
Speaker: “I’m boiling right now!”
You: ‘You’re boiling?’
This will prompt further elaboration.
Speaker: “Yeah, I’m wearing 7 layers and I haven’t drunk any liquids in the past 76 hours!”
You: "7 layers?! 76 hours?!" (and you may even add in your own words) “But it's 32 degrees outside!”
Another tip he has is to go silent after a mirror. You’ve set the stage for the elaboration and now it’s up to your conversation partner to fill the silence. People hate silence! They’ll often go to great lengths to avoid it, even by oversharing or incriminating themselves. Of course, you aren’t a detective interviewing a suspect so having your partner incriminate themselves is very probably not your goal, but the rule still stands. Be a good listener and let your partner talk!
Labeling
This technique is truly magical. It’s used to reduce the negative feelings that are evoked in your conversation partner by the things you’re saying.
It is exactly like what it sounds. You label the negative emotion your partner is displaying.
Labeling was proven to be effective through scientific research. The testing concerned the amygdala; the amygdala being a tiny almond-like structure in the middle of our brains known as the emotional nerve center. Scientists showed their research subjects disturbing images they presumed would negatively affect them. When these images were shown without warning, the subject’s amygdales lit up on brain scans. The subjects were then asked to describe their feelings towards the pictures and they labeled themselves as sad, angry or scared.
The amygdala activity was linked to substantial emotional distress after the subject's contextual input. But every time the subjects labeled their emotions, the activity in the amygdala went down, dampening their outwards expression of the emotions as well. Through this research it was learned that once you put a label (a verbal observation) on what you notice, your emotional reaction reduces.
So here’s how you go about it. You label the emotion, making sure not to make any mention of yourself through words like “I”.
“It looks like you’re angry.”
And just like with mirroring, you let your prompt settle into the silence, you let your partner mull it over. They may fire back testily, or they may go silent. If they’re silent or not overly responsive, keep pushing! Keep labeling and mirroring, the two techniques work together! You’re reducing their emotions by labeling them, and further allowing them to label themselves and explain themselves through your mirroring prompts. Your mirroring can even reveal to you what emotions to label and stall for time if you were unsure at first of how to approach the conversation.
A really cool extra trick to take note of, is that labeling a positive emotion reinforces it! Saying things like “Thank you for being patient” or, “I appreciate you being generous with your time” will flatter and validate your partner, likely making them more accommodating.
Accusations Audit
This is a continuation of the labeling technique and is Shreshth’s favorite! It’s perfect for when you want to build up to something, when you want your audience to empathize with you or to brace them for any unwanted emotions.
Basically, you label all the negatives you can think of. Insidious thoughts, blatant imperfections, insults, absolutely anything regarding yourself and what you’re presenting to your audience/ conversation partners.
As he said, you address the elephant in the room and make it look like a mouse.
Inwardly your motive can be: I don’t want you to feel *insert negative emotion*.
Outwardly, you’ll say: “You’re going to think ….” which minimizes the negative, OR “I’m getting ready to make your day ridiculously difficult…” which blows the actual induced negative out of proportion.
We do the accusations audit because unexpressed negative emotions never die.
This is the technique I referenced up in the intro, prophesying that you’ll be able to score assignment extensions for life. If you’re in class and go up to your teacher saying: “I’m getting ready to make your day ridiculously difficult…” they’ll fear the absolute worst. After you let them worry about whether you set fire to your desk, broke some windows or somehow got them fired, you can unveil that all you actually need is an extra day to finish your project. They’ll be relieved, underwhelmed and very likely give you the extension.
A tip with this technique is to drop the fear-mongering bomb, spin out your accusations audit and then wait. Let your partner be the one to prompt you to keep going.
You can use the accusations audit to spice up presentations, if you watch the webinar recording pay special attention to Shreshth’s introduction!
"No"
“No” sounds negative, “No” sounds like a failure, but a solid “No” is actually the end goal of your negotiation. Here’s why:
No is a safe word.
It makes your partner feel autonomous by saying it, they’re not agreeing or committing to anything they don’t want to agree or commit to. Yes is commitment, no isn’t yes! The questions you structure for your desired “No’s” will little by little narrow down the scope of negotiation, giving your argument the advantage.
“Is this a terrible idea?” “Do you disagree?”
Looking at the questions above, think to yourself. To them, would you rather say yes or no? Saying yes would be incredibly assertive and positioned, it would be an aggressive attack you’d have to follow up with an explanation. Saying no would keep you safe, non confrontational. Even if your partner was strong enough in their stance to say “yes”, they’d most likely be very uncomfortable doing so. Shreshth mentions how after having himself taught his family the “No” technique, he found it incredibly hard to deflect when they jokingly used it against him!
Some things to remember with the “No” technique are:
Introduce empathy and mutual understanding into the negotiation beforehand. It’ll make your partner more uncomfortable with their “yes” because they’ll feel they owe you more in the interaction.
An uncomfortable yes is just as good as a no. Keep pushing, mirroring, empathizing, labeling, structuring pointed questions.
You: “Would it be the absolute worst thing on this earth if I ate the last chocolate-chip cookie? Would you be forever scarred and jaded and unforgiving?”
Partner: “......ye- yes? Yes..... but I guess we could maybe cut it in half and share?”
Because of the inconvenience and awkwardness of their “yes”, your partner will allow for more negotiating to take place.
**While this can be a fun conversational hack for harmless snack wars, the "No" technique can be pretty manipulative in some situations. Just a reminder that when it comes to physical relations and other such serious scenarios, No absolutely always means No and isn’t an invitation to try and squeeze out an uncomfortable Yes!**
Non Verbals
Instead of trying to enumerate all the components that make up the class of non verbals, let’s determine what isn’t a non verbal. The words you say and the way they come out of your mouth are not non-verbal components. Everything else, the length of your hair, the colour of your shoes, what book you’re holding, is a silent cue that speaks volumes.
Here are some preliminary categories we must understand to be able to classify any and all non verbal behaviors.
The Limbic System - This is the part of our brain that responds immediately and reflexively. It’s responsible for our survival behaviors, is always active, and comprises the amygdala (which we know about!) amongst other structures. Some gestures brought on by the limbic system are the clasping of hands over eyes/mouths when shocked or horrified, or rubbing the back of the neck when stressed. These behaviors have even been seen in blind children who draw no practical use from covering their eyes when they’re afraid! This structure developed hundreds of thousands of years ago, and is hard-wired into our nervous system. It’s often called your most honest brain, very difficult to disguise. Despite our many cultural mannerisms and differences, the limbic system is universal and a great insight into how we feel.
Pacifying Behaviors - They’re exactly like what they sound. They’re behaviors used to soothe us and often follow a limbic response to something negative. We’ll fiddle with our hair, massage our necks, and press our lips together.
Idiosyncratic Behaviors - Universal behaviors are the same for everyone, but not everyone's the same! These behaviors are unique to an individual and can be extremely telling if we deeply know the person displaying them. These behaviors however, will probably not be helpful in assessing strangers or acquaintances.
Primary Point - When we’re the object of attention, we’re self conscious.
People tend not to twirl with their hair, pick out wedgies, boogers, scabs or do anything that might be seen as socially unacceptable when they’re being directly addressed. However, when the attention is shifted away to another member in the conversation, the individual you’re hoping to read will likely substantially let down their guard. They’ll be reveling in the privacy they think they have in plain sight.
Ex.
A parent is arguing with two of their three kids and the third is observing for informational purposes. The third kid may notice a shift in their siblings' behavior when the attention they’re receiving from the parent changes. In this scenario the parent only addresses one kid at a time. When one sibling is the primary point (in conversation with the parent), they act serious and apologetic. But when they’re confident the attention isn’t on them anymore, they may roll their eyes or grimace, revealing their true feelings of pent up frustration.
Body Part Behaviors
At this point, Shreshth goes into A LOT of detail concerning specific non verbal movements, their associated body parts and what they generally mean. But keep in mind that his assessments won’t always apply. Understanding context is crucial in understanding behavioral motives. Be mindful of establishing a baseline of your individual's idiosyncratic behaviors to better pick out the outliers that will actually give deeper insight into their emotional state. Continue reading at your own risk.
The Head
Some consider your head hair to be your unofficial resume. That may seem a tad too presumptuous an analogy, too judgmental, but recall how important physical appearance is to first impressions and overall communication. The having of hair on our heads allows for us to partake in a lot of descriptive behaviors (unless, one is bald, then one is truly an enigma).
Playing with hair (twirling, twisting, clawing, rubbing) is considered a pacifying behavior.
Different genders and/or hair lengths reveal different information with hair. When women fiddle with their hair with palms facing inwards (facing their face) they’re pacifying themselves. When their palms face outwards they’re displaying confidence and comfortability. Palms out are common in the dating world and flirtatious situations.
Running fingers through hair (in men) is a way to ventilate one’s head, letting the cool air stimulate the scalp.
This gesture can be seen in stressful situations, when the individual is concerned and full of doubt. Scalp ventilation or head ventilation is also seen in women or people with longer hair, though the technique differs. Someone with shoulder-length hair might lift up their hair from the nape of their neck, lifting it outwards and releasing. This movement aerates the scalp and releases heat. It’s common when the individual is flustered or upset. If either the running fingers or hair flicking gestures are done repeatedly, this indicates high levels of stress. Of course when analyzing gestures, always take into account contextual details. A crucial detail in the instance of scalp ventilation could be the environmental temperature. If it's sweltering outside, the hair-fiddling won’t hold as much deep meaning as it would in an air conditioned university exam room.
Hat lifting is also a form of ventilation
Contradiction, nodding yes and saying no (an incongruity common in toddlers), can be a good way to spot a lie. Always look for consistencies and contradictions between the verbal and non verbal communications.
Self head stroking is a pacifying behavior that can stem from childhood and parental displays of affection.
Hooding (the interlacing of fingers placing them behind the head with elbows out) is seen as a territorial move that exudes confidence but is often not seen in professional situations.
Head tilting in conversation displays comfort and engagement.
The Face
The MOST emotive body part.
Forehead: Look for tension, for stress lines. Look for throbbing or pulsing temple veins that indicate strong negative emotions like anger, stress or fear. Notice if any forehead massaging is going on, indicating the processing of difficult news or overstimulation.
Eyebrows: Around your friends, notice if at your approach their eyebrows shoot up (in what is called a gravity-defying behavior). Gravity-defying behaviors generally indicate positive feelings and upwards eyebrows mean they’re happy to see you or they like you! Unmoving eyebrows indicate neutral feelings and squirting and furrowed brows indicate tension and dislike.
Nose: Index finger to nose (like pressing on a button) indicates sudden or slow build up of discomfort. The flaring of nostrils is a precursor to something physical like running away from a negative situation (like being arrested by police) or just an indication of severe upset. Breath holding is done to contain nervous breathing, it’s a fight, flight or freeze response.
Mouth: Yawning cools the body down. People do this when they’re stressed or tired and need to cool down to the right body temperature for sleep. Tongue in cheek is a way to relieve tension. It’s seen in individuals facing high stress situations, who are withholding information or who’ve just cheekily gotten away with something that wasn’t allowed.
Tone: It isn’t a myth; tone does play a factor in identifying how nervous we are, it raises in pitch as we get more anxious. It’s just not as exaggerated a difference as TV shows and movies make it out to be.
Speaking speed: Delayed responses don’t necessarily indicate a lie, people take their time with both lies and truths. What can be a hint that uncovers a lie is the speed with which the answer is spoken. Fast talking can bring about suspicion.
Cheeks: Pressing fingers into cheeks is a pacifying behavior. Strumming cheeks (tapping in a rhythmic pattern with multiple fingers) indicates impatience or excitement or restlessness.
Jaw: Jaw tension is a by-product of both stress and defiance.
Chin: Retracting the chin back or pulling it back is an act of protection. In uncomfortable situations, people may feel the need to cover their neck with their hands, their chin or their shirt collars. Feline predators carry prey by their necks, vampires (if they exist) bite necks too . The neck is a vital but delicate body part that we intrinsically feel the need to keep safe.
Facial Hair: Stroking facial hair can be a tiny pacifying act or a simple habit. Remember your subject’s baseline behaviors to determine which explanation makes more sense.
Neck: The neck isn’t a part of your face, but it’s worth noting in passing that touching it relieves stress, exposing it is to attract others, ventilating it (with the pulling of our shirt collar) relieves discomfort and covering it is an act of protection.
The Eyes
A part of the face, yes, but deserving of their own section!
Dilation of pupils indicates like, constriction of pupils indicates dislike. It’s involuntary.
Blink Rate is influenced by many factors. We blink more when we see something positive and blink less when we see something negative. 16-20 blinks per minute is the permanency average, this rate being affected/altered by temperature, humidity, contact lenses etc.
Eye contact length, people hold eye contact for different lengths of time in their respective cultures. Where looking at a stranger for two seconds may be seen as out of the ordinary in one setting, four seconds can be perfectly acceptable in another. High status individuals hold eye contact for longer so it’s an act you can consciously emphasize to make yourself seem more confident. Also note that conversation is often preceded by eye contact as the conversers assess their “target” to make their interest in an interaction known.
Gazing vs. Staring, gazing is kind and staring is weird.
Closing eyes indicates trying to emphasize a point or being angry or annoyed.
Covering eyes indicates negative emotions (a behavior drawn from the limbic system)
Crying when holding an object is worse than normal crying?! I very much do not make the rules, but apparently whether you’re clutching your neck, shirt collar or carrying shopping bags, you’re crying is a more serious situation.
Eye movements, Lateral (side to side) and Vertical (up to down), are not a definitive marker of lying. You may have heard the myth that looking to the left while speaking indicates something being made up, but there is no one bodily behavior that exposes fallacy.
Touching or scratching the eyelid is a pacifying behavior.
The Lips
In interactions, the top three features that Shreshth monitors are one’s feet, hands and lips. Lips are the main focus because they aren’t often paid attention to by their owners and are left unguarded. You could think of the lips as never being a primary point feature (see the blurb on primary points in the non verbal intro).
Lip size, small lips indicate stress, large lips indicate comfortability. The altering in size is due to blood flow and this classification of small to big is in proportion to an individual's physical lip size. It does not mean that people with actual large lips are comfortable in every situation.
Fingers pressed against lips can indicate pondering or insecurity. Just like with facial hair and everything else, remember your subject’s baseline behaviors to determine which explanation makes more sense.
Lip plucking indicates fear, doubt, concern, lack of confidence. It’s a universal gesture.
Lip biting is either a pacifier or a self-restrainer ( to keep oneself from saying something they shouldn’t).
Lip licking is also a pacifier unless the individual has dry lips.
Lip narrowing and compressing is a highly reliable indication of annoyance or negative/uncomfortable thoughts crossing one’s mind, even if it takes place in a split second. Sometimes the compressing is prolonged, prolonged to the point that it’s difficult to decompress the lips. This shows a maintained state of negativity.
Pursing lips to the side (make a duck face and push your lips to one side of your face) indicates strong disagreement. The longer the position is held the stronger the emotion.
Arms and Shoulders
Turtling (raised/high shoulders staying raised, making the neck retreat into the shoulders) indicates doubt or insecurity. Any movement that appears to contract the body, like sinking lower and lower into one’s chair, displays the same emotions.
Wide shoulders are a characteristic of confidence. There’s a reason shoulder pads and wide-set suits exist.
Gestures are crucial to communication, they reflect emotion and attract attention. The O.R. or the orientation reflex, alerts our brains of any sudden hand movement around us, even if it’s a minute as someone brushing away a strand of hair. Joe Navarro, Shreshth’s inspiration for this section of the webinar, states that broad gestures are powerful displays essential to dynamic communication.
Arms stiffen when something negative happens
Crossing arms is a self hug, a pacifier that shuts out others, it can also be a restraint when one finds themselves in the presence of someone they don’t like.
Hands
Hand can let you in on someone’s hygiene, how they keep themselves, where they work. Calluses and scars have lots to say (calluses can tell you if someone plays a string instrument!).
Frequently touching people shows comfort, whether the touches are light or hard indicates the feelings one has towards the people in question.
Shaking hands can chemically create physical bonds, chemicals are released when we touch others.
Hands on hips with thumbs behind the back indicates that the individual has something disagreeable to say, a complaint. It’s also done to appear larger, it’s a territorial move.
Hand on hips with the thumbs facing forwards and the fingers in the back portrays curiosity, thinking or habit.
In a seated setting, the most influential person takes up the most space with their hands with their belongings. They control the room.
Pushing away from a table with one’s hands indicates frustration or that something negative has just happened.
Fiddling with objects can be a small pass time or a presentation of nervousness.
Placing objects between yourself and who you’re talking to indicates a lack of interest in the person. Clearing objects away shows the opposite.
Hand steepling (when all the fingertips are pressed together but the palms aren’t touching in what looks like a tent or pyramid) is a highly reliable indication of extreme confidence.
Rubbing hands together is the opposite of steepling. It betrays doubt, insecurity or anxiety. It can also just be a pacifier.
When meeting someone new, a shy person may latch onto one of their own fingers.
When answering questions with uncertainty one may touch themselves fleetingly all over to keep their hands occupied.
Interlacing of fingers. If the thumbs are pointed up, this signals confidence, thumbs pointed down indicate a lack of it.
Nail biting relieves tension, shows stress, anxiety, lack of confidence ( assess the baseline behaviors)
Hands in pockets and knuckle cracking are pacifying behaviors, they aren’t meant to be rude.
In relationships, the reluctance to touch someone with your palm bodes badly.
The strength with which we grip things is important to note. In books you’ll often see characters' knuckles described as white due to the pressure they’re exerting on objects. This strong pressure most often indicates anger.
Legs and Feet
Distance from feet. The further away you are from your own feet, the more confident and territorial you appear.
When walking in a group, the one who sets the pace is in charge. If you notice someone walking fast, try to take that power away from them but be careful who you do it to!
In a seated position, one can interlock their ankles in the legs of their chair when fearful or concerned. This normally doesn’t mean anything, but if the ankle locking happens in reaction to a question, it’s definitely a gesture to take note of.
Leaning forwards with hands on knees indicates impatience or a want to leave a situation. Leaning backwards indicates restraint, knee bobbing indicates restlessness.
And so. Much. More.
There are thousands upon thousands of little behaviors that betray our emotions. Most of us are unaware of them and don’t use all the tools at our disposal to have the most meaningful interactions possible. Everyone’s an open book if the reader looks in the right places!
Shresthth's Information + Additional Image Resources
Ig Handles:
Magic account - @avem_arora
Informational Negotiation page - @avem_talks
Bugs Bunny: https://imgflip.com/i/34mvav
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